Sometimes, a person does not interpret external realities as they are but instead distorts them according to their own desires. This phenomenon causes stress and anxiety, making life difficult. One of the factors that leads to this distortion of reality is the phenomenon of dependency and need for affection, which robs a person of their peace and confronts them with numerous problems. Dependency is the enemy of healthy relationships, as it forces the individual to sacrifice their peace and mental health.
In this article, we will discuss dependency and need for affection.
Why is dependency harmful?
The foundation of healthy relationships is attachment, not dependency. People should have affection for one another and avoid dependency in order to experience a healthy and constructive relationship.
Relationships based on dependency indicate a lack of growth on both sides, much like the relationship between a mother and a fetus, which is based on dependence through the umbilical cord. In this relationship, if the mother faces problems, the fetus also suffers, and vice versa, because the two are dependent on each other and have not yet become independent. Dependent individuals remain stuck in a fetal and prenatal stage, turning the pain and suffering of the other person into their own, and instead of solving problems, they become entangled in them.
Dependency can take many forms, such as between a couple or among family members. In the latter case, all family members have a pathological dependency on each other, and even after marriage or becoming independent, they continue to rely on other family members and endure a great deal of suffering.
Unfortunately, this dependency has become a value in our culture, a value that not only hinders progress but also deprives people of peace and causes mental health issues.
If you remain in relationships that are based on incorrect foundations, you will face psychological erosion and energy depletion. Sometimes, issues such as feelings of guilt and remorse exacerbate the situation, prolonging the unhealthy relationship. For example, people who are overwhelmed with guilt and remorse years after the death of a loved one may struggle because they believe they didn’t have a good relationship with the deceased. The foundation of these relationships is often fear, anger, and anxiety. This fear and anger prevent them from deriving any true benefit from the relationship, and they blame the perpetrators and instigators of it, which traps them in a vicious cycle of negative emotions.
One sign that a relationship is unhealthy is the feeling of guilt. If a person remains engulfed in guilt long after the death of a loved one, it indicates that the relationship had no solid foundation, because the first principle of affection is freedom. In fact, a relationship that takes away freedom from the individual is not a healthy one.
One of the consequences that will eventually affect individuals with dependency is that they develop neurotic anxiety over the years. This disorder causes numerous psychological and physical problems because anxiety destroys the individual’s ability to appreciate good situations and worsens bad ones. For example, if they are invited to a party, they become anxious; if they are accepted into a university, they remain anxious; and if something unfortunate happens, they are still anxious. As a result, they are unable to enjoy anything or feel happy, because their anxious brain constantly seeks out negative things.
Suggested article: Introduction to anxiety disorders
The Difference Between Need for Affection and Kindness
A group of people known as affection-seekers experience deep dependency. These individuals are willing to sacrifice everything they have because of this dependency.
Two negative factors in our society—dependency and need for affection—create numerous problems. Kindness, however, is different from need for affection. A kind person performs actions with love and care, without expecting anything in return. On the other hand, a person with a need for affection expects compensation or gratitude for what they do for others. For example, if they cook a meal for you, they expect constant thanks and praise for their cooking.
Affection-seekers disturb the peace of those around them because they perceive affection as something that can be traded for something else. Therefore, they do anything they can to earn approval and praise from others.
One of the reasons for needing affection is the feeling of being unloved. These individuals do not love themselves and believe they are unworthy of love. On the other hand, they have never experienced true affection and are not familiar with the concept of love, so they go to great lengths to seek it. A person who is kind, however, is not thirsty for affection. If parents provide the necessary attention and love to their children from a young age, the child will grow up to be kind. But if this affection is not provided, the child will resort to all kinds of tricks to gain affection.
Another characteristic of affection-seekers is that they are unwilling to distance themselves from someone who causes them pain.
In many cases, the reason for lying is tied to this need for affection. An affection-seeker wants to appear better than they are, so they resort to lies, presenting situations as better than they really are.
Suggested article: Appearance characteristics of liars
Solutions for Dependency and Need for Affection
To improve the quality of relationships and avoid the problem of dependency, it is important to periodically reassess your relationships and revisit their foundations.
Another key to a healthy relationship is ensuring both individuals are emotionally healthy. If one partner has issues, they will not be motivated to improve the relationship.
Lastly, love is valuable when it is unconditional. Unconditional love, like exercise, strengthens the relationship and brings peace to both parties.